Split Identity Syndrome

I had a revelation the other day while I was reading "Captivating" by Staci Eldridge. Well, it should have just been a reminder but I'm afraid it was a slap back to reality if I'm honest. "My identity as a mother is not dependent on my children. My identity as a wife is not dependent on my husband. My identity is in God. I am a reflection of Him." I was instantly challenged and I have been pondering this ever since. Asking myself things like:

Do I find my true indentity in God or do I rely on my husband and my boys to provide it?

Do I put too much pressure on them?

Do I depend on them for what they were never created to give me?

My heart's desire is for God. To be who he created me to be and to find favor in his eyes. But if I'm honest, I find it easier to rely on my husband and boys for instant security and gratification as a wife and mother than it is to press in and wait on God at times. But that's too much pressure for anyone to live under. It's not fair of me to rely on them for happiness or self worth. And in my head I know that, but my actions don't always show it.

The lie is subtle at times, but in the back of my head I think "if my kids are well behaved everyone will know I'm a really good mom". I consider it an accomplishment when I can make it through a trip to Wal Mart with no crying or temper tantrums. I avoid the candy isle like a plague, probably forget a few important things and don't stop to talk to anyone because I don't want to risk the "good kid" image expiring. And why? Because I don't want to be "that mom" whos kids are in her cart screaming so loud that the people in the automotive department on the other end of the store are talking about me. It's an embarrasment. And in reality, it a deep fear. A fear that I will become the mom that I don't respect.

Am I saying that we shouldn't want our kids to behave? Absolutely not! I am just pointing out that if they don't, or if they are having a rough day, it's not a character slam or a "bad mommy" grade. We have to learn to parent with mercy. We have to teach them how to act, respect, forgive, apologize, love and play by how we act. If they see it, they will do it. We have to be the image of Christ so they can see that he is who they need to imitate. As we become more like him it gives them permission to follow our lead. We will stumble, we will slip and so will they. The greatest thing we can show our kids can see is how to repent and get back on track. Even if they don't completely understand the situation or circumstances they will begin to learn respect as we humble ourselves. My dad says "if I can't show that I'm a man of God by my actions, I will show it in the way I repent". I've come to respect him for that.

In closing: Is there anything wrong with thinking you're a good wife or mother? No. In fact, we need to believe that we are good at what we do. There is nothing more beautiful to me than confidence! But what is our motivating factor? Is it because we want well behaved kids so we don't look bad or because we are fulfilling our call as a mother and we are responsible for training the children God gives us?

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (PS 37:4). The Lord knows that we desire to be beautiful, secure and confident in ourselves and in our families. There is nothing wrong with that. We just have to make sure that we are finding our identity in him.

Ponder this: Am I finding my identity in the Lord today?

9/11 After thoughts

Has it really been 9 years? I still remember exactly where I was when it happened and the immediate confusion I felt. I was in Dallas, TX. a few weeks into my short stay at Potter's House Master's Commission at Bishop T.D. Jakes Church. It was crazy. My reaction was of disbelief, shock and an overwhelming feeling of insecurity. How could this happen? How many died? People are jumping out of windows? What happens now?

...God help us.
Today my heart breaks. As a parent I feel it deeper. My heart goes out to every parent who lost a child that day. I can't even imagine losing one of my children, some parents lost all their children on that day.  To every parent whose children were hurt, lost and seem forgotten. No one should feel like their children are forgotten. No one. Not the "good" kids or the "bad" kids. Every kid has a mom and a dad. Every child has a God who made sure they existed...even if it was for a short time. My heart is heavy when I think about the pain and suffering for the families that will be remembering and reliving this day. God, please send your Holy Spirit to comfort and to save.

It's not enough to just remember. Yes, we remember and we never forget but we have to act. In order for us to make a difference it requires action. We have to stand together on our beliefs and trust in God to save us, to redeem us and to forgive us.

Today as I remember, I also celebrate. Celebrate my husband on his birthday...yes, his birthday is 9/11 :) And I choose to enjoy every minute of this day with the family that God gave me and pray we are a witness to those around us. Our lives are moments. How we choose to live those moments is up to us. God gave them to us to live! And in one of those moments we could change the course of history. We could make a difference, we could BE a difference.

Ponder this....how will I live my "moments" today?

It's only the beginning

People have been blogging for years now so why am I just now starting? I have realized that I don't remember things as well as I used to. There are so many moments during the day that I say to myself "ponder this Erin, you don't want to forget this". No, it's not just because I'm turning 30 next month! I'm convinced that pregnancy permanently destroys brain cells. And now my brain has a "temporary files to delete" file that I have no control over. Things like when did my first son Asher roll over for the first time? When did I start feeling like a human again and not like a sleep deprived bottle maker? Was there a time when my husband and I had more that 20 un-interrupted minutes to talk? All sorts of stuff ends up in this file and yet, I remember songs that I learned at 10 years old, what color my foot turned after being stepped on by a huge horse 17 years ago and random things that I don't expect to remember.

Should the important things be recorded in a baby book or journal somewhere? YES! But, I don't journal. I have so many journals that have about 10 pages or so with something written in them. I have great intentions, just no follow through in the journal department. And we won't talk about the baby book. My dear friend scolds me for that one, and deservedly so! So this is a new chapter! I have high hopes that I will be able to prevent more important things from being forgotten.

Motherhood has introduced me to a whole new world of love, tenderness, strength and happiness that I never knew existed. I am in love with my husband and my two precious boys. They give me pages of stories and thoughts each day. I am so excited about this new adenture!

Thank you for reading my first blog :)

~Erin