Keep Keepin' On

It's late...I'm the only one up...it's quiet (except for the roar of box fans in every room)...and I'm looking around my clean house thinking, "What's the point of cleaning this house? It's going to be a wreck by 10:00 in the morning!" Then I felt a gentle word of encouragement from the Holy Spirit - "Don't get discouraged. Keep doing what you are called to do. I am your strength. Every little thing that goes unnoticed by everyone else does not pass by me."

In Erin-version - "Keep keepin' on!"

It is so easy to get

discouraged

sad

angry

resentful

desperate

tired

cranky

depressed

anxious

mean &

exhausted when you feel like what you are spending everyday doing is "pointless". Don't give up! Don't let the enemy, or your flesh, whisper those thoughts of emptiness or frustration. You are not spending your days in a meaningless deja-vu. Every day is filled with possibility. 

When you spend most of your day juggling a sick baby who just needs mommy and taking care of the rest of the family you will be exhausted beyond words at the end of the day. What you do in those quiet moments before you hit the pillow is vital. I have learned that if I spend a few minutes gathering myself back to a place of peace I will not only sleep better but I will start the next day ready to be the mom my children need. 

This is not a life-changing blog: this is an encouragement. You are not alone. You deserve a medal, an award, a massage, a vacation, a gift card to your favorite store and a big piece of cheesecake! 

You may not be a mom, but you can probably relate to the mundane and boring tasks that we all face on a daily basis. Let's not get stuck there...lets keep keepin' on and encourage each other along the way!

Here are a few of what I think are the best ways to get yourself out of the ditch...y'all know what I'm talking about.

• Love and laugh with your husband...it will do wonders!! 
• Spend time worshiping and singing while you are cleaning. I am always amazed by the moments I have with the Lord doing housework!
• Do at least 1 "fun thing" with your kids a day, you will feel so much better at the end of a crazy day when you know that you put in a little extra effort for them. Try reading them books while you hold a few babies in your lap, or put their names in singing silly songs - my kids think this is HILARIOUS! (Ex: "The itsy, bitsy Anna went up the water spout." You get the picture.)
• Don't do it for a "Thank You", do it out of love for your family.
• A simple apology can go a long way.
• No matter how the day ended...you can start fresh tomorrow.

The bottom line - some days are going to be better than others, give yourself some grace. You are marvelous and you make the heart of the Father proud.

Keep keepin' on.

 

No Method to the Madness

You have probably heard the expression "there's a method to the madness". I have used this expression many times throughout my life, usually to excuse a mess or justify my laziness, but as I was having my quiet time with the Lord recently, I realized something....there is no method to the madness in thinking that I am justified for my sins. Let me explain...

The only author I read on a consistent basis is Oswald Chambers. His book My Utmost for His Highest is my daily sidekick. I am moved by a single sentence, convicted by a question, or sitting in perfect awe of the magnitude of God's love for me after every one of his daily devotions. (You MUST get this book if you don't already own it). These two passages seemed to jump off the page:

October 28th -"I am not saved by believing - I simply realize I am saved by believing. And it is not repentance that saves me - repentance is only the sign that I realize what God has done through Christ Jesus. The danger here is putting the emphasis on the effect, instead of on the cause. Is it my obedience, consecration, and dedication that make me right with God? It is never that! I am made right with God because, prior to all of that, Christ died."

October 29th -"Our sins are removed because of the death of Jesus, and the only explanation for His death is His obedience to His Father, not His sympathy for us. We are acceptable to God not because we have promised to give up things, but because of the death of Christ, and for no other reason."

Then I read 2 Corinthians 2:17-21 - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

Wow...

I started thinking about how there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to be saved. It is a supernatural work of the Holy Spirit. Our repentance, believing, behavior modification, and impossible promises are simply signs of the Holy Spirit's work within us, not our salvation itself. That is wonderful news! I needed to be reminded of this.

There are days when I feel the pressure to "be" a better Christian, better wife, or better mom. I get discouraged when I have days filled with impatient outbursts, bad attitudes, laziness, or a million other character flaws. On those days I feel like I've let God down somehow, like he must be so disappointed in me. I have days where I feel like I let my husband and children down, don't love them enough, don't serve them like I should, get impatient....I fail, and just like I don't ask Christopher if he will go back to the altar with me so I can re-do my vows, or ask my kids if they still want me as their mother (because they have no choice!), why do I sometimes feel like I need to ask God to "take me back" or feel the need to have lengthy repentance prayers to get his attention? It's madness! He knows me! He knows that I am incapable of living my perfect day, every day. He has no expectations of me, no check list. My primary responsibility is to make sure that I am in right relationship with him. If I am doing that, I am doing my best.

When you have one of those days just remember that he loves you, more than you could ever know. You are saved and in right standing with him because of Christ - not your own doing. This is a message of grace. We are saved by grace, not works. And while I've always known that, I still need to be reminded from time to time to relax. I make it harder than I need to sometimes.

Ponder this: You are loved by a perfect God who does not expect you to be perfect!

Why I gave up birth control

Why I Gave Up Birth Control

   I have had a knowledge of God since my earliest memories. I knew he loved me and that he had a wonderful plan for my life. I knew that I was safe within his will. I gave him my heart as a child and trusted that it was safe. Somewhere along my journey to adulthood I began to think I could run my life better than he could. It was subtle, but it was there.

   One way that this became evident was concerning birth control. It is such a normal thing today that I didn't realize what my actions were implying in the beginning. When I got married at 26, I was on it. My husband Christopher and I wanted a big family, but I wanted some time with him first. My plan was at least a year before we start trying for a baby. Well, shortly after we married he expressed that he was ready whenever God gave us a baby. It challenged my selfish plan, but I conceded thinking it would probably take a while for me to get pregnant. Three months later I was pregnant with our first son, Asher. I was a bit surprised it happened so fast, but I was overjoyed! Six weeks after his birth I was right back on birth control because that's what you do, right? I didn't want to get pregnant again until I felt ready. Around Asher's first birthday I had that "baby fever" feeling, and I was ready for another one. This time, it took 7 months off of birth control to get pregnant. Our second son, Jace, was born 25 months after Asher. Almost two years exactly. Perfect timing, I thought. 

   Adjusting to two was a challenge at first, but I quickly got the hang of it. I got back on birth control again after the six weeks post-partum. I just remember thinking that's what you do since your doctor recommends it.

   In November of 2011, I was driving to pick up lunch for a staff event when - out of the blue - the Holy Spirit asked me a question, "Do you trust me?" Hmmmm... I knew immediately that there was a purpose behind this question. I know that the reason The Lord asks us questions is because we need to figure out the answer or the reason, not because he doesn't know the answer. So, I took a quick survey of my heart and knew I trusted him with almost everything. I came to the conclusion that he was pricking my heart concerning birth control. I didn't know if he was asking me to stop birth control, if he wanted me to see that I do not trust him as much as I think I do, or simply pray about it more. Later that night I talked to Christopher about it and told him I was scared to stop. Our son Jace had just turned 1. We didn't think we were financially or mentally ready.

I thought:

  "What if I get pregnant right away?" 

  "Does he mean, like, FOREVER?" 

  "Can I really, really give this to The Lord and not look back?"

  "People are going to think we are CRAZY!?!"

   We prayed together and decided that no matter what happened, trusting God trumps all of our excuses. So, needless to say, I had a very shaky start down this path of trust, but I knew deep down that I wanted to go this way. It wasn't an "easy" decision in the way of a black or white, yes or no, kind of decision...it is a life time decision, and it would ultimately bring me to a new place in my relationship with the Lord.

   Only three months later I found out I was pregnant again. I wasn't surprised. My first thought was, "Ok, Lord, I get it. You were wanting me to trust you because you had another baby in my near future, so you wanted me to be off of birth control." By the time I went to the doctor to confirm this pregnancy, I was getting those sweet flutters of excitement. I knew we would be hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and that is always amazing. My husband was with me, and I'm so thankful because what happened next would've been hard news to break to him over the phone. As soon as she put the image up on the screen I thought "hmmm...I've never seen that before." The image? A figure 8 sort of blob. My mind started reeling, and I'm pretty sure I held my breath. She said, "Well, I see two babies!" TWO BABIES?!?!? I was pregnant with fraternal twins. Something no one on either side of the family has ever experienced. I was shocked to say the least! The next few hours were a blur of tears (the overwhelmed/surprised kind) and trying our best to accept this crazy, wonderful news.

   The pregnancy wasn't an easy one, but our beautiful twin girls Avery and Scarlet were born healthy and perfect! The Lord protected every aspect of my pregnancy with them. I was amazed at the whole process. I carried two babies to term with no complications and no NICU. They have been our double portion of joy and wonder. We cannot imagine life without them. We knew that we would need extra grace and patience to care for two infants at once. We are pros now! Every now and then we have a hard day, but we have loved every minute.

   After the girls were born I was faced with the birth control dilemma again. I still felt the Holy Spirit asking, "Do you trust me?" I will spare you the personal details, but we were trying in our own strength to prevent pregnancy as best we could until my cycle returned and so that we could have a better idea of what days to "be careful" on. It made my heart wrestle. I knew that I didn't want to get pregnant right away, but I really, really wanted to trust and let go of the control. I prayed and asked the Lord if I could have two years before the next baby. I thought, "maybe it's because I've never asked the Lord to not get pregnant. Surely that's what will make the difference. It would give my body time to recover and would take some of the stress out of trying to figure this whole thing out." Every time I prayed or thought about it I ended with, "but Lord, my heart, my body and my life are yours, I am surrendered to your perfect will for my life."

   I'm not trying to sound like a super-spiritual person. I'm just trying my best to be transparent with the REAL struggle towards true surrender and the valley moments that test us. It wasn't a perfect walk, it still isn't, but I was determined to get my heart to a place where the Lord could speak, and I would listen, then obey. It's not easy; it takes a daily commitment.

   I am currently pregnant with our fifth baby, another girl. Anna will be 13 months younger than Avery and Scarlet. Yep, do the math. I got pregnant a lot sooner than two years, but I had a very deep, unshakable peace from the moment I found out. We need her, she needs us. I never questioned the Lord, not once. I knew that my heart had changed.

   My path of trust is clearer, and I am so thankful to be on it. There is no looking back for me. I realize that I could make decisions that would be easier for others to accept, but I don't answer to the strangers that look at me like I'm crazy. I answer to God. I will always choose more kids and less stuff. I will choose to accept the slight element of chaos in my house if it means that these precious children feel loved and safe. I do not always understand, but I always trust. If I question, I pray. If I get anxious, I pray. If I need a minute to myself, well, I do without most days, but that's ok. I love each one of my children with a fierce and amazing love. I am very thankful that the Lord entrusted me to raise them. Everyday is full of hugs, kisses, laughter and love.

   I could fill a hundred blogs with all the amazing and wonderful details of this story, but my point in writing this is to share with you that sometimes the changes that we need to make in our lives are so much more than a decision, they are a process. I don't claim to have mastered trusting God with my life and my family, but I'm a whole lot closer than I was two years ago. It seems like the things he asks me to trust him with get harder, but my response comes faster. I thought it would get easier, but as I go deeper, I am finding that the selfish part of me never goes away; it just gets easier to identify.

   A friend asked me the other day if I was really, really not going to do any kind of birth control after this baby. I said, "no". It's not a matter of conviction or right vs wrong, it's a trust thing. Our family is preparing to move to Bolivia in South America to be missionaries. The one thing I always come back to is this: If I can't trust God with how many children I'm going to have, how can I trust him with my family in another country? I need to trust him with everything if this is going to work...everything. I don't know if that means we will have 20 kids or no more than the 5 we have, but I do know that I am not going back to the compromise that I was living, thinking I was trusting God but making sure I kept him in check about the things I thought I could handle better on my own.

   I am so thankful for his grace and mercy. He is so patient with me. He lets me go on for months or years if it takes me that long to see from his perspective. He doesn't give up on me, so I can't give up on him. He has great things in store for this family, and he has great things in store for you!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take" Proverbs 3:5&6


Ponder this: In what area of your life is the Lord asking you to trust him?

The Purpose of the Valley

The Purpose of the Valley

“We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to be battered into the shape of the vision to be used by God? The beatings will always come in the most common, everyday ways and through common, everyday people.” 

~Oswald Chambers

Have you discovered the purpose of your valley? Do you long to be back on the mountain top basking in the goodness of the Lord? Have you ever thought you must be doing something wrong because of the seemingly constant battles you face?

Welcome to the valley, my friend!

I have good news for you today…you are probably right where you are supposed to be! In our everyday life we can become weary with the common, everyday battles we face. But those battles are tools that build our character and help us become more like Christ. They serve a wonderful purpose. Living in the valley is what we are supposed to do!

We were not made to stay on the mountain, we were made to live in the valley. We can see his glory on the mountain, but we live for his glory in the valley. That is what we were made for! Let your heart be encouraged! John 16:33 says “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” Jesus himself says we will have tribulation and trials but he encouraged us to take heart! Don't get weary...be encouraged in your faith! Are we willing to go down into the valley to live out what he has spoken to us on the mountain? Are we willing to face the trials? Are we willing to be "battered into the shape of the vision"? 

I believe the depth of our relationship with God is revealed in the valley. We know who we are not, and we know that in our weakness Christ is made perfect. If we cannot live for him there, we are not a true disciple. We must develop an appreciation for the valleys we face and not fear them. They are revealing to us our desperate need for grace and our eternal longing for the Father. 

Dear friend, if you find yourself weary in the valley hold on to this promise:  “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:25-27”

Ponder this: The purpose of the valley is to reveal to us that we are right where we are supposed to be, daily becoming who God wants us to be.

Split Identity Syndrome

I had a revelation the other day while I was reading "Captivating" by Staci Eldridge. Well, it should have just been a reminder but I'm afraid it was a slap back to reality if I'm honest. "My identity as a mother is not dependent on my children. My identity as a wife is not dependent on my husband. My identity is in God. I am a reflection of Him." I was instantly challenged and I have been pondering this ever since. Asking myself things like:

Do I find my true indentity in God or do I rely on my husband and my boys to provide it?

Do I put too much pressure on them?

Do I depend on them for what they were never created to give me?

My heart's desire is for God. To be who he created me to be and to find favor in his eyes. But if I'm honest, I find it easier to rely on my husband and boys for instant security and gratification as a wife and mother than it is to press in and wait on God at times. But that's too much pressure for anyone to live under. It's not fair of me to rely on them for happiness or self worth. And in my head I know that, but my actions don't always show it.

The lie is subtle at times, but in the back of my head I think "if my kids are well behaved everyone will know I'm a really good mom". I consider it an accomplishment when I can make it through a trip to Wal Mart with no crying or temper tantrums. I avoid the candy isle like a plague, probably forget a few important things and don't stop to talk to anyone because I don't want to risk the "good kid" image expiring. And why? Because I don't want to be "that mom" whos kids are in her cart screaming so loud that the people in the automotive department on the other end of the store are talking about me. It's an embarrasment. And in reality, it a deep fear. A fear that I will become the mom that I don't respect.

Am I saying that we shouldn't want our kids to behave? Absolutely not! I am just pointing out that if they don't, or if they are having a rough day, it's not a character slam or a "bad mommy" grade. We have to learn to parent with mercy. We have to teach them how to act, respect, forgive, apologize, love and play by how we act. If they see it, they will do it. We have to be the image of Christ so they can see that he is who they need to imitate. As we become more like him it gives them permission to follow our lead. We will stumble, we will slip and so will they. The greatest thing we can show our kids can see is how to repent and get back on track. Even if they don't completely understand the situation or circumstances they will begin to learn respect as we humble ourselves. My dad says "if I can't show that I'm a man of God by my actions, I will show it in the way I repent". I've come to respect him for that.

In closing: Is there anything wrong with thinking you're a good wife or mother? No. In fact, we need to believe that we are good at what we do. There is nothing more beautiful to me than confidence! But what is our motivating factor? Is it because we want well behaved kids so we don't look bad or because we are fulfilling our call as a mother and we are responsible for training the children God gives us?

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" (PS 37:4). The Lord knows that we desire to be beautiful, secure and confident in ourselves and in our families. There is nothing wrong with that. We just have to make sure that we are finding our identity in him.

Ponder this: Am I finding my identity in the Lord today?

9/11 After thoughts

Has it really been 9 years? I still remember exactly where I was when it happened and the immediate confusion I felt. I was in Dallas, TX. a few weeks into my short stay at Potter's House Master's Commission at Bishop T.D. Jakes Church. It was crazy. My reaction was of disbelief, shock and an overwhelming feeling of insecurity. How could this happen? How many died? People are jumping out of windows? What happens now?

...God help us.
Today my heart breaks. As a parent I feel it deeper. My heart goes out to every parent who lost a child that day. I can't even imagine losing one of my children, some parents lost all their children on that day.  To every parent whose children were hurt, lost and seem forgotten. No one should feel like their children are forgotten. No one. Not the "good" kids or the "bad" kids. Every kid has a mom and a dad. Every child has a God who made sure they existed...even if it was for a short time. My heart is heavy when I think about the pain and suffering for the families that will be remembering and reliving this day. God, please send your Holy Spirit to comfort and to save.

It's not enough to just remember. Yes, we remember and we never forget but we have to act. In order for us to make a difference it requires action. We have to stand together on our beliefs and trust in God to save us, to redeem us and to forgive us.

Today as I remember, I also celebrate. Celebrate my husband on his birthday...yes, his birthday is 9/11 :) And I choose to enjoy every minute of this day with the family that God gave me and pray we are a witness to those around us. Our lives are moments. How we choose to live those moments is up to us. God gave them to us to live! And in one of those moments we could change the course of history. We could make a difference, we could BE a difference.

Ponder this....how will I live my "moments" today?

It's only the beginning

People have been blogging for years now so why am I just now starting? I have realized that I don't remember things as well as I used to. There are so many moments during the day that I say to myself "ponder this Erin, you don't want to forget this". No, it's not just because I'm turning 30 next month! I'm convinced that pregnancy permanently destroys brain cells. And now my brain has a "temporary files to delete" file that I have no control over. Things like when did my first son Asher roll over for the first time? When did I start feeling like a human again and not like a sleep deprived bottle maker? Was there a time when my husband and I had more that 20 un-interrupted minutes to talk? All sorts of stuff ends up in this file and yet, I remember songs that I learned at 10 years old, what color my foot turned after being stepped on by a huge horse 17 years ago and random things that I don't expect to remember.

Should the important things be recorded in a baby book or journal somewhere? YES! But, I don't journal. I have so many journals that have about 10 pages or so with something written in them. I have great intentions, just no follow through in the journal department. And we won't talk about the baby book. My dear friend scolds me for that one, and deservedly so! So this is a new chapter! I have high hopes that I will be able to prevent more important things from being forgotten.

Motherhood has introduced me to a whole new world of love, tenderness, strength and happiness that I never knew existed. I am in love with my husband and my two precious boys. They give me pages of stories and thoughts each day. I am so excited about this new adenture!

Thank you for reading my first blog :)

~Erin